sUnsHiNe sMiLez ~natalie~

Saturday, June 03, 2006

just got back home from work.. oh man. my back is aching my feet sore.. and my eyes teary..

went out with colin after work todae.. it was a really enjoyable night... something that i had missed.. we spent some time looking around the pc show at suntec and later went to the basement to find something to eat.. was super hungry.. cause i didnt have lunch.. standing up the whole day has made me very sian.. when i saw him.. everything just brightened up. he waited for me to knock off work... haiz.. miss those days.. being around him.. just made me feel so lifted for some reason.

we had a good solid talk about where we were heading when we went to sky garden. he even gave me a really good foot massage! everything just felt like normal. like how we used to be when we were a couple. haiz.. i felt so awkward saying that he was my friend. and he did too.. but after talking to him.. i have realised how much i meant to him. during the relationship.. yeah we had our good and bad times... but during the relationship.. i dunno.. i didnt feel as loved as i feel right now.. looking back at the past.. when we were still together.. i just felt that i was just an individual being there.. comforting him when needed.. and i was more than happy to give him this sense of love and comfort.. for i saw a fture with him.. i gave it my all at the beginning. haiz.. but after awhile.. i just felt that i loved him more than he loved me.. he was never a very expressive person. he would usually show it.. occasionally.. haiz... and then.. my dad came into the picture that aggravated the situation... haiz.. i just had to let go.. i just felt that he was stron enough to have a life without me.. but it turns out that i was wrong. he was so torn.. you could see it through his eyes. the pain screaming out of his broken heart.. but his will to let go was based on the premise that he loved me so. it tore me to see him like that.. this triggered me to realise how much we both mean to each other.. cause i started tearing seeing him like that.. that just proves that i still feel alot for him. as much as i may seem to be cheerful and happy on the outside.. but deep down inside.. it hurts badly. real bad. this ache doesnt seem to go away..

he sent me home tonight.. i do not know when he will ever see me home again. maybe soon. maybe in a long time. maybe never. we had a small talk before he left.. and this time.. i told him partially how i felt. cause he will probably not know.. how much it still hurts as i try to act strong in front of others. esp. him. trying to message weirdly.. trying to sound normal like how i would to my other friends. it hurts. my heart just feels like screaming... i am still crying as i am typing.. and i dunno when i will ever stop. cause he told me that it always meant alot to him whenever i hugged him. but before i could he took off. i sat by the curb watching him leave. crying my eyes out. then he turned back and messaged.. go in else i wont leave and miss my bus.. as i pretended to go back in.. waited for a while.. and looked back.. there he was.. just taking off again.. leaving round the bend in the shirt that i bought for him in tioman... i thought i could be strong.. but i overestimated myself..

i am so sorry for hurting you so bad. i just wanna be fair to you.. as much as i will hurt to see you with another girl. she would be able to give you sth more than i probably can.. dont be afraid to open your heart to another girl jus because of a mistake i made. i have been very selfish in this matter. and i am sorry for it. if avoiding would make ya feel better just let me know. but i pray with all my heart that we will be friends. words cannot express clearly what i am exactly feeling now. torn. anger. disappointment. relief (that he could talk to me still).nostalgic. i dunno i really dunno.. my mind is so messed up right now. oh darn.. myeyes are damn swollen and puffy. still got ipho meeting at acjc tmr. man... hope i wont look like a monster. haiz...

sUnsHiNe sMileZ ~nat~