Monday, June 19, 2006
have been given tasks for ipho. really excited for the event! getting this organized and reading through the plans again and again. at least i am starting to be more familiar with the event. as much as ruimin and mark tease me about me starting to regret coming in to ipho, i honestly have never regretted one bit of it. it is so fun! haha. how can i regret getting into sth that is so fun. yeah it may be time consuming. but it is an experience that i wont forget. and being able to plan part of it, however little it is, has given me a tinge of accomplishment. or at least i am safely say i did what and what. and helped whom and whom.. haha.
hall foc. really feel bad for missing 2 days of the trial camp. hope my team mates understand man. =) anyway, hall foc. important for my 'publicity' of my campaigning. and looking for potentials in the committee. i have to talk things through with my VP.
nbs foc. well, i havent seen anything material from it. like what to expect and stuff. honestly feeling shaky for the group. not sure. being last year's best foc. it places alot of pressure on the group this yr to be the best OG once again. but i feel that the "team" including the SAs and GLs should be united and bonded to make it happen. we have to do sth. need to mention this to the cheif gl soon.
basically my life is pretty packed with things lined up. setting my priorities right. slowly step by step getting things in order.
now the question to decide. marketing or banking and finance? most of my friends went into banking. and i got streamed into marketing. is that the right choice? i am comfortable taking it up. but i dont wanna make the wrong choice. if i go to banking, i am just afraid that i will lose out to the people who have more time to study. but if i go into marketing. i know i can do well in it. what should i do? deadline on wed. and i am still deciding. need to decide quick and fast. and stick by my decision.
sUnsHiNe sMileZ ~nat~
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
though i improved dramatically this sem from the last, my overall GPA still sucks. 0.2 points away to a second class LOWERS. arghh.. i have been slacking too much. whatever time i have i will dedicate it to my studies. this is scaring me.
what have i been doing this holidays? nothing. okie. maybe there was ipho, nbs foc stuff.. but that didnt take up most of my time. what have i been doing? really.. well.. i spent too much time going out i think. doodling around at home. doing NOTHING. i am just so pissed at myself. wasted so much time. i wasted so much of my studying time this special sem. and i know nuts about astro..
this is seriously a wake up call. i need to balance my time. i took for granted that i had alot of time. but i didn't.. i have 4 more semesters to buck up. play hard and study hard too. miss those stc days. where mr. leslie would push me to study. and i did well in the areas of academic and extra cirriculum.
need to get everything organized. my room is so messy. need to move into the new room soon. wont have much time later. have got no time to move which all the camps coming up.
i have to be disciplined. i have to and i ought to. haiz. some of you might know this fact about natalie seah hui huan. she's a perfectionist. and she is one person that wants everything to go on well. it used to. and slowly life seems messed up. ever since some part of jc.. played too much. now its time to buck up. get back to reality. and be that hui huan again. play hard and study smart and hard. what ever free time i must make sure i have completed some work before going out. otherwise no more going out for me.
i have to be the disciplinarian. the Mr. Leslie in my life.
sUnsHiNe sMileZ ~nat~
Saturday, June 10, 2006
ahh.. suddenly feel so excited for all my camps.. hehe. gonna make the night activities super duper exciting man.. =)
started to study le.. but at a very slow pace.. and i doubt anything is getting into my head.. haha. adui.. supposed to meet ade chris and ed for breakfast. haha.. ed woke me up. but rather futile.. not sure if they went ahead with the plan. haha. anyway.. meeting them at tea party later.haha.. and i am going to watch tranzamerica. hahaha. looks like a good show man.
okie. i have got to remember to study. haha. study study study!!
sUnsHiNe sMileZ ~nat~
Friday, June 09, 2006
met up with laona and zinc for a supposedly tea party session but it was closing early.. bleah. so decided to head down to nydc at HV. ahha.. met my buddy calvin from HWZ roadshow there. he seems to be a workaholic man.. working non stop. but good on ya. will defintely be successful man.
spoke about JCRC to laona and zinc. and mentioned to them about me running for JCRC prez. haha.. they were cool with it.. and even wanna join the committee.. haha.. looks like the committee will be super fun if they were in it! haha.. do think hard about it k? =) if i do get presidency.. will need all the talents i can get and support as well. ;)
as i drove back alone on the empty expressway.. i started to think about stuff. what i wanted to do in life. what unforeseen circumstances that will befold.. friends.. him..
have i really spent too much time with my friends? well, without friends.. i really dunno what i would do. they have always been my pillar of support whenever i am down besides my parents. with no siblings.. all my friends are regarded as my bros and sisters. people that i treasure and love. it is not hui without friends.
he went out with his buddies tonight. and i am happy that he did. at least he can vent his anger. frustration. and gain emotional support from his friends. i am sure i am the official b***h in his clique now. but if it helps him to feel better to bitch about me. i am happy. he even has a secret admirer writing on his blog now. hahah.. what a start. ;)
we kinda ended off with a rough conversation today.. about spending time. i dunno. i just feel that i am not treating him unfairly. haiz.. but i dunno..
well lets not dwell into that.. started to think about how to earn an income also. like tuition or sth.. just enjoy the feeling of having to have a source of income and working hard for it. and not just live off my parents. feel so indebted to them. parents have been giving me alot of freedom lately. letting me drive all alone. allowing me to stay out late. but i shan't take too much advantage of it. don't wanna destroy that trust.
planning things and starting to get busy again. exams coming next thurs. can't wait for it to be over. camps camps camps. love it when i am busy. at least i know i wont be doing nothing. feeling accomplished.
okie i think i am tired. will turn in now.
sUnsHiNe sMileZ ~nat~
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
yesterdae went shopping with my dad to check out the bose system over at plaza. haha.. man.. the service there is so personalized! they gave us this private room to view the system and test the system. after that dad and i did some shopping. i finally bought my pouch. you know the ones for camp? haha.. i wanted to buy a deuter one.. but then they didnt have any. but i bought this er.. okie i forgot what brand. haha.. but okie lah.. reasonable price. $21.. hmm.. might wanna go JP to check out the price for the deuter. might indulge in buying another one.. whahaha. okie. i shall control myself.
helped dad to fix our new plasma tv last night too.. haha.. now we have a brand new tv to indulge in. but everything on that tv seems stretched.. haha.. like julia roberts ass suddenly became so big because of the tv. oh dear.. ahaha.. dad told me to reorientate my room after my exams.. haha.. then we can figure where to put the old tv into my room.
i also think i am falling sick. woke up with a very bad sore throat today. man.. when he woke me up.. i couldnt talk. too painful to utter a word. adui.. gotta take care.. can't afford to be sick now.
here are some photos.. haha. finally decided to upload the photos .. hehe..
sunny!! ade!!! me!!! (nydc-suntec)
jcrc outing at the entertainment centre skating ring
IPHO
was initially a little skeptical to join ipho, but now.. i am like regretting that i didnt join earlier. haha.. =) great bunch to be with.. =) okok.. me gonna mug now.. haha..
signing off
sUnsHiNe sMileZ ~nat~
Monday, June 05, 2006
right now.. trying to straighten my life out. getting my room organized. my time to be organized. slowly.. gaining back my life again.. at least its a start. and doing so many things at one shot motivates me. hehe. love what i am doing right now. meeting new people. great people from ipho. at least it helps me to stop thinking about certain stuff..
ah well.. my astro exam is on thurs! goodness.. thats like so near.. and i know nuts about astro. gotta start study man.. tried to... but dont think im doing it hard enough.. haha.. busy busy busy..
sUnsHiNe sMileZ ~nat~
Saturday, June 03, 2006
went out with colin after work todae.. it was a really enjoyable night... something that i had missed.. we spent some time looking around the pc show at suntec and later went to the basement to find something to eat.. was super hungry.. cause i didnt have lunch.. standing up the whole day has made me very sian.. when i saw him.. everything just brightened up. he waited for me to knock off work... haiz.. miss those days.. being around him.. just made me feel so lifted for some reason.
we had a good solid talk about where we were heading when we went to sky garden. he even gave me a really good foot massage! everything just felt like normal. like how we used to be when we were a couple. haiz.. i felt so awkward saying that he was my friend. and he did too.. but after talking to him.. i have realised how much i meant to him. during the relationship.. yeah we had our good and bad times... but during the relationship.. i dunno.. i didnt feel as loved as i feel right now.. looking back at the past.. when we were still together.. i just felt that i was just an individual being there.. comforting him when needed.. and i was more than happy to give him this sense of love and comfort.. for i saw a fture with him.. i gave it my all at the beginning. haiz.. but after awhile.. i just felt that i loved him more than he loved me.. he was never a very expressive person. he would usually show it.. occasionally.. haiz... and then.. my dad came into the picture that aggravated the situation... haiz.. i just had to let go.. i just felt that he was stron enough to have a life without me.. but it turns out that i was wrong. he was so torn.. you could see it through his eyes. the pain screaming out of his broken heart.. but his will to let go was based on the premise that he loved me so. it tore me to see him like that.. this triggered me to realise how much we both mean to each other.. cause i started tearing seeing him like that.. that just proves that i still feel alot for him. as much as i may seem to be cheerful and happy on the outside.. but deep down inside.. it hurts badly. real bad. this ache doesnt seem to go away..
he sent me home tonight.. i do not know when he will ever see me home again. maybe soon. maybe in a long time. maybe never. we had a small talk before he left.. and this time.. i told him partially how i felt. cause he will probably not know.. how much it still hurts as i try to act strong in front of others. esp. him. trying to message weirdly.. trying to sound normal like how i would to my other friends. it hurts. my heart just feels like screaming... i am still crying as i am typing.. and i dunno when i will ever stop. cause he told me that it always meant alot to him whenever i hugged him. but before i could he took off. i sat by the curb watching him leave. crying my eyes out. then he turned back and messaged.. go in else i wont leave and miss my bus.. as i pretended to go back in.. waited for a while.. and looked back.. there he was.. just taking off again.. leaving round the bend in the shirt that i bought for him in tioman... i thought i could be strong.. but i overestimated myself..
i am so sorry for hurting you so bad. i just wanna be fair to you.. as much as i will hurt to see you with another girl. she would be able to give you sth more than i probably can.. dont be afraid to open your heart to another girl jus because of a mistake i made. i have been very selfish in this matter. and i am sorry for it. if avoiding would make ya feel better just let me know. but i pray with all my heart that we will be friends. words cannot express clearly what i am exactly feeling now. torn. anger. disappointment. relief (that he could talk to me still).nostalgic. i dunno i really dunno.. my mind is so messed up right now. oh darn.. myeyes are damn swollen and puffy. still got ipho meeting at acjc tmr. man... hope i wont look like a monster. haiz...
sUnsHiNe sMileZ ~nat~